Well…tonight I was moaning and groaning about my state. I can’t breathe (well I can…otherwise I wouldn’t really be able to write this) due to “constricted airways” the doctor said. Kind of like bronchitis…but possibly due to symptoms of Sjogren’s Syndrome…an auto-immune disease that I was diagnosed with a few years ago…one that I have really been trying to ignore. Honestly, because I don’t have time for it!
Last week I came down with this cough. “It’s just a cough…I’ll push through it.” I didn’t stop, even with the wisdom my wonderful husband gave me to just slow down and relax for a few days. I had too much to do. As a mom, I couldn’t slow down…what would get done!? So I kept at it…I did the laundry, hosted a party, went to meetings, Bible studies and church. I even stocked my freezer with 9 new meals I made on Tuesday morning! I read my many emails and responded to the majority of them, continued to follow Facebook and even went grocery shopping. So really…is it any wonder that I got worse?
One of the many things I have been hearing in the back of my head over the past few months is: “Rochelle, you always have to be busy! Slow down. Come to me and I will give you what you need.” – GOD.
I know it’s HIM too. I just choose not to listen because there are things to be done, people to please and life to live. I mean it’s not like I am not in the WORD…I am. I have two Bible studies I do weekly and I pray regularly. But what I have realized today is…often I don’t wait and I don’t LISTEN.
This isn’t the LIFE that God really wants for me and tonight I was given a gift…a reminder of what life is all about. Tonight when I asked the question “Why?” as I was walking down the hall…tired of coughing for the zillionth time…the thought that immediately entered my head was, “Because you won’t slow down! I have to get your attention somehow.”
I stopped in my tracks. Sometimes I feel that life, and my spiritual life, act as mirrors. When life is crazy and I am not consistently in HIS Word and listening to what HE might be trying to tell me…my life feels a bit like it does now. I see a crazed woman staring back in the mirror and life is chaotic and crazy. When I am spending time with HIM and LISTENING…my cup is full and I have peace (even if all around me is not peaceful).
So tonight when I heard that voice in my head with the answer I know was only from the Holy Spirit. I paused, and instead of running through the list of things that I wasn’t going to be able to do if I kept running the crazy race…I pictured a woman…standing in front of Jesus saying, “Why God? I have all these things to do and no one else is going to do them…so I have to.”
I knew the story well. Mary and Martha. Martha was busy getting ready for guests and Mary was found sitting at Jesus feet…instead of helping get ready. Where was that story? I grabbed my Bible and searched for the story till I found it and read how Jesus replied. I entered my name instead of Martha’s, “My dear [Rochelle], you are so upset over all these details! There is really only one thing worth being concerned about. There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it – and I won’t take that away from her.“ Luke 10: 41-42 (NLT) Mary was LISTENING to Jesus!
I am a “doer” I think doing things is important. I think in the mind set of having to do things or it won’t get done, and if it is, it might not be done right. Those of you who really know me know this is true…you know how I deal with the loading of my dishwasher!
Anyway, how arrogant is that? But it’s the way I often think. I love control and I struggle with not being able to control things. But in Christ’s playbook, being a “doer” sometimes means that we don’t rely on HIM as often as we should. We run ahead, get anxious, make things happen…but not necessarily in the way HE wants them to happen…mostly because we don’t slow down long enough to listen.
This evening I ran across another passage in the Bible. The red letters were just standing out on the page before me as I read over it again and again. It says in Matthew 16:24 (NLT) that “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross, and follow me. If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for me, you will find true life.”
Selfish ambition in this world seems normal…actually the way to go. Get ahead, do, do and do more to stay ahead! If we are resting we must be without purpose. If we don’t have a 10 year plan we might be considered crazy. Or thinking of slowing down just makes some of us feel ill equipped. Often times, I have to admit…this selfish ambition is my normal fallback and the state I am often in. BUT Jesus, in his wisdom says to give up the lessons the world is telling us…follow HIM and find true life.
OK…so in my illness…you might think that I am going a bit crazy. Well, I have to say, that my new “crazy” seems a bit more manageable. God loves me. He made me. He knows my control freak nature…but wants to pull me into HIS loving arms and hold me. HE just wants me…all of me. He wants me to “Be still” for a little while and LISTEN to what HE has for me. OK God…it took knocking the air out of me (I guess that shows how stubborn I can be)…but I am listening.
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